I have read many other books as well, esp. on raising boys, the stigma attached to our sons, and the history behind the skewed expectations and feminization of our sons.

 
A great read on raising boys:

Boys “Shaping Ordinary Boys into Extraordinary Men” by William Beausay II 

This book is not “preachy” but biblically based. I used it almost as a manual.

Another great one is “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge.

ABUSE BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS 

Abuse is something everyone confronts at one point or another in their lives, be it a spouse, a boss, a co-worker. I highly recommend the following books, as they are great resources for anyone in an abused relationship. Although stats are readily found on abuse of women, rarely do we find stats on male abuse, however it happens. That was one of my main reasons for reading books on boys, as well as men, as I was a single mom. I don’t want some heifer abusing my son, or a boss abusing my son. It is important that we raise our children with strength and boundaries coupled with a lot of prayer. Although most abuse is inflicted upon women by men, I can personally attest to the fact that I know of many men who have been abused by their wives, manipulated and several have and still are in active ministry. Yes, male abuse is a problem as well that must be addressed. As a mother, a past abuse victim/now a VICTOR, I wish for NO ONE TO BE ABUSED.

 
One of the best books on the subject of abuse in the Christian home is: If you are a male being abused by a woman, just flip the genders around when you read the books as most are written from a female perspective.

 
Battered Into Submission “The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home 1989. by James Alsdurf & Phyllis Alsdurf.


Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You Feb 1, 2003 by Patricia Evans



Verbal Abuse: Survivors Speak Out on Releationship and Recovery  Feb 1, 2003 by Patricia Evans



The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond  May 1992 by Patricia Evans



Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life Dec 18, 2011 by Patricia Evans



The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing Aug 13, 2003  by Beverly Engel



Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself  Nov 1992 by Melody Beattie

 



Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency

May 2001  by Melody Beattie



You're Not Crazy - You're Codependent.: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma or Toxic Shame Needs...

Jan 18, 2012  by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter

 

 

Definitions of Abuse © 2015 Hadassah Shabnam Chowdry

Verbal, Spiritual and Emotional

Abusive Anger: Definition -  Expresses condemnation or disapproval, anger and harshness going together, defamation, constant shame and disgrace. Abusive anger is when the abuser uses verbal attacks or behaviors in her/his anger.

Abusive Body Language: Definition - The abuser uses body language to ignore, show disapproval, show lack of a response on purpose, give a certain look that is demeaning, smirk, roll the eye (or various other negative facial expressions), and never gives any indication of how the abuser feels. Abusive body language is used by the abuser when he/she doesn’t say anything at all. The partner knows what the abuser is saying by his/her body language.  It is often meant as a form of control. Additional examples include: the abuser facing away from the partner while sitting or standing, making the partner walk behind instead of beside, acting as if the abuser doesn’t know the partner when they are in public, etc. Abusive body language lets the partner know his/her behavior is not welcome without the abuser saying a word.

Accuse: Definition - find fault with, hold responsible, blame. The abuser will often find fault with everything the victim does, or doesn't do. Nothing is right and even when its obvious the blame belongs to the abuser, he/she won't own up to it. This occurs often by saying something like, "Had you not done ____, I wouldn't have reacted that way!" In essence, the abuser is holding the victim responsible for the abuser's actions.

Blame Game: Definition – Shifting responsibility by placing blame on the other partner, by making him/her make feel guilty, and holding him or her accountable to the point of distress. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing. He/she will hold the partner accountable and expect him/her to take responsibility for things in the relationship that are not his/her doing. Finding fault with everything the partner does is the key in this type of abuse.

Block: Definition - hindering the accomplishments, dreams, passage, progress, or by imposing obstructions and threats: a) to shut off from view, b) to interfere with, or c) to prevent normal functioning or action.  The abuser will keep the partner from accomplishing his/her goals.  He/she will obstruct or do things to interfere with the partner’s normal plans.

Bullying: Definition - aggressive behavior (generally among school aged children and adults behaving like children) that involves making threats, accessing and making threats by revealing personal information, attacking physically or verbally (hitting, punching, cussing, publicly humiliating "power over" the victim. Bullying can also be seen in adults.  If this is generally a childhood issue, why is it here? Bullying is a form of abuse, which almost always starts with verbal attacks. Children who bully often turn into adult abusers if the behavior isn't dealt with in childhood. Adults who bully simply do it with more sophistication where it isn't as obvious. 

Control: Definition: Have power over, dominate, oppress, dictate, rule, be in command, demand submission, manipulate, want influence over, restrain, keep in check, hold back, or rein in. The abuser wants to ultimately control the partner. He/she wants to dictate what the partner does and how it’s done. All the forms of verbal and emotional abuse are “controlling behaviors.” The abuser feels out of control over his/her life, therefore, tries to control the partner.

Counter: Definition - Oppose, contradict, argue against, defy, act in opposition to.  The abuser is constantly countering and correcting everything the partner says and does. The partner’s view is different than the abusers, and he/she doesn’t like it, even though he/she may never voice it. Discussions are often cut off in mid sentence so the partner’s thoughts cannot be finished. The partner is not allowed to have his/her own ideas or thoughts.

Crazymaking:  Definition:  double bind, or requiring two separate things. A “crazy maker” will constantly change the requirements for a given situation.  He/She will make you feel like you’re going crazy because the terms keep changing. Several of the abusive behaviors listed can go hand-in-hand with crazy making. Crazymaking typically causes the victim to question whether he/she really did do/say something. The abuser is really good at making the victim feel that he/she is wrong.
   
Denial: Definition – rejection, dissent, veto, refusal, disclaimer, contradiction, defiance, denunciation, turning down. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he/she is not abusive.

Discount: Definition - Reduce, lower, disregard, overlook, ignore, pass over, write off, disbelieve, minimize the importance of, or to view with doubt.  This is like taking an expensive item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner. It denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Divert: Definition - Deflect, redirect, reroute, switch, distract, sidetrack. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. Blocking is a form of verbal abuse in which the abuser controls discussion, withholds information, or diverts his or her partner's attention to something else. Blocking comes first, followed by the diversion.

Forget: Definition -  Not remember, overlook, disregard intentionally, neglect. This may involve both overt (open) and covert (secret) manipulation. The verbal abuser consistently forgets. Verbal abusers may "forget" incidents that were upsetting to his/ her partner, arguments, and discussions. He/she may also "forget" important commitments, dates, and promises he/she made to his/her partner.

Indifference: Definition - Lack of interest, unresponsive, lack of concern, coldness, lack of sympathy, apathy, lack of importance or significance, and lack of care. Indifference is when the abuser takes no interest in his/her partner. It’s as if the partner is a stranger.  There’s no effort on the part of the abuser to engage in activity or conversation with the partner. This can take place in private or public and is often demonstrated by the abuser ignoring the victim in some manner.

Isolation:  Definition:  segregation, loneliness, seclusion, segregation. The abuser makes it difficult for the partner to see family or friends. During isolation, the partner rarely associates with anyone but the abuser.

Joke or Tease: Definition - Tease, pretend, trick, make fun of, provoke in a mischievous way, disturb, annoy or pester by persistent irritating. Hit or kick, punch, and then laugh about it.  Although the abuser’s comments and behavior may masquerade as humor they are really malicious as they cut the partner down and break him/her down.  The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing him/her off balance.  Joking can also be used as a form of correction.

Judge and Criticize: Definition - Disapprove of, find fault with, reprimand, strong disapproval, condemn, pass judgment, overly critical, feel they are the expert and they have the authority.  The verbal abuser may judge the partner and then express judgment in a critical way. If the partner objects, the abuser may tell him/her that he/she is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he/she is expressing his/her lack of acceptance.

Lying: Definition – being deceitful, dishonest, insincere, and untruthful; normally done with intent to be untruthful. Lying is often included in with other categories.  However, I believe lying deserves its own category. Lying becomes a way of life for the abuser, constantly keeping the partner just outside the realm of those lies.

Minimize: Definition – reduce, diminish, lessen, curtail, decrease, make light of, underestimate, and play down the extent or seriousness of something. The abuser may understand how important something is to the partner, but will play down that importance.  The abuser may also lessen his/her reaction to an event or circumstance.

Name-calling: Definition – using slang or vulgar terminology to refer to a person or to his/her actions. The abuser may continually call the partner "stupid, klutz, dummy, jerk, ahole, bitch, dog, pig, etc." for whatever reasons he/she feels warranted in doing so. Name-calling can also be more covert, or not as obvious.  Sometimes, the “lack of” calling the partner by the appropriate name, can also be considered name-calling. Various “pet names” that we have for our spouses can be considered name-calling, especially if the spouse doesn’t appreciate it.

Order: Definition - Command, direct, instruct, tell, demand.  It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he/she treats the partner like a slave or subordinate and if partner does not comply, he/she is accused of violating “autonomy” of the relationship. When one partner in a relationship orders or demands another person to do something, he/she is telling the partner to be ready at any moment to meet the abusers needs, desires, and wants. Furthermore, the abuser denies his/her partner the right to make his/her own choices.

Sabotage: Definition – damage, disrupt, interfere with, interrupt, harm, impair, incapacitate. The abuser deliberately damages property or disrupts the partner’s life, job, or business dealings. This is very closely related to undermining, but with sabotage, the abuser will go beyond the act of undermining. It’s the next step to destroying something the partner cares about.

Spiritual Abuse:  Definition – spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, and equip, misuses that authority. They place themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes, which are really their own. Spiritual abuse in marriage is when the husband/or wife uses religious values to “rule over” his/her spouse.   Instead of ruling over a group of people (as in the definition), the spiritual abuse is between husband and wife.  There are some faith’s that believe a husband has authority over his wife and will use religion to keep her in line.  Some religions require that the wife submit to the husband in everything. It’s forcing the wife to submit at all costs based on the beliefs and/or teachings of his religion.

Threaten:  Definition - Intimidate, bully, pressure, warn, terrorize, making threats,  jeopardize, put at risk, . The abuser manipulates the partner by bringing up his/her biggest fears. The abuser may threaten to expose something personal, or bully him/her into doing something his/her way. The abuser may include threaten to leave or get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse. It’s usually an “either/or” scenario.

Trivialize:  Definition - Makes the person feel unimportant, small, and insignificant, of little worth or importance, makes things that are important appear small, trivial or minor. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Trivializing is where an abusive partner makes light of his/her partner's accomplishments, achievements, or event. The partner of an abuser may not feel the matter or incident is significant due to the abuser's trivialization of it.

Undermine: Definition - Weaken, dent, chip away at, challenge, destabilize, demoralize, undercut, damage.  Take away supporting material, to weaken or ruin by degrees, to weaken secretly, to reduce in intensity or effectiveness.  The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.  To undermine a partner is to undercut or weaken anything he/she is doing or will try to do.

Power; Position and Possession of Abuse

© 7/2015 Hadassah Shabnam Lal

Every abuse victim has a story. I am a victor and not a victim.
What's your story?
Power

I would like to share the anatomy of abuse and how it begins. Your abuser will generally lie, cheat, and charm you until they gain your trust and power over you. This may often entail sweet dripping words of honey, overly complimentary gestures, and sometimes even overly seductive and sexualized behavior sort of like a venus flytrap. Remember their job is to find a lifetime victim of abuse. They will feed you all manners of bull crap and are more than willing to “prove” just how “Christian they are, and how family oriented they are” as they don’t believe in “divorce” and will make overt shows of devotion, and charm.

Position

To many abusers, having a position of authority tied to a person of leadership esp. in ministry is the ultimate “power trip” as they want that “position” under any cost. They will go to great lengths to “involve themselves and even steal your anointing and call.” I had this happen to me where the rectal orifice cost me a publishing contract with a major Christian Publisher by threatening them, because I chose to leave and exit his controlling abuse sass. To this person, I was a path, a “position” that he could use to further his agenda as we were going to be a “power couple.” “Bull Crap” he just wanted to accolades of my hard years of work, and research and knowledge and anointing. Once you work your butt off to share your message and your anointing, they want to come alongside and take credit for all your work. Suddenly, they want to be a part of your hard work. They will often, threaten, harass and intimidate and even resort to blackmail to get their way. Apparently, they have no fear of God. Once they solidify their “position” then they begin to slowly erode your self-confidence, your sanity, your talents, your time. It begins innocently enough, they will joke and hit you, or kick you while wickedly laughing, or giving you bloody noses, or digging their fingernails into your face. Soon the abuse escalates into even sexual abuse where they will hurt you (men and women do this). But since you’re such a nice Christian and forgiving, they keep on abusing you and telling you that “God hates divorce” and they are devoted to you playing upon your insecurities and fears of being alone and single. Now that they have the “position” of being the wife or husband” of a person in ministry, you become a “possession” that’s right a “possession” a trophy of some sort.

Possession

Now that they have had you under their dominion, for some of you this could be months, years, and other of you even decades. By this time, you come to believe that you are a “worthless scoundrel” surely no one in their right mind will believe that you put up with the sexual, verbal, spiritual and psychological abuse for this long, you must be the problem. Oh and don’t let them find you in possession of any books on abuse, or codependency nor speak to anyone in confidence because they will use “religion and Scriptural verses” and accuse of violating your sanctity of marriage. Let me assure you ‘THERE IS NOTHING SANCTIFIED OR HOLY ABOUT ABUSE’ Oh and I have news for you, you are not the problem, but your abuser is. You see, he/she is a pathetic demon possessed human vessel sent on assignment by the devil himself to steal your joy, your life and anointing. Now that your abuser has possession of your life, your time, your finances and even your anointing, you are basically, on lockdown 24/7. If you confront them about their abuse (some never make it this far), they will accuse of being “unforgiving, accusative and even question your Christianity.” Oh and God forbid if someone is witness to the abuse, suddenly all of the attention is shifted on that counselor, friend or relative (they become the problem as the abuser is master of disaster, and deflection as well as manipulation) in taking things and turning them around. You see, to them, you are no longer a real human being with freedoms but a “possession” a trophy of sorts so they can brag to people of their “power and position” when actually they are conniving, slithering snake. The marriage is a “possession.” The “position” of being a Pastor’s wife or husband is a “power trip” as is the “Church” and the congregants. And this is how an abuser practices the fine art of abuse in gaining “power” over you and your life; turning it into a “position” of advantage and making a mere “possession” out of a child of God. What a damn shame, and this is happening in Churches everywhere, wake up world.

Please share this amazing site with anyone you know who is married to an abusive spouse (male or female); and the erroneous theology taught in the churches is keeping them in Hell. Let's not allow people to take one single verse ie: "God hates divorce"in the Bible to keep people in abusive marriages. God hates abuse more as it is a violation of the TEN Commandments. I have read the Ten Commandments [nope nothing about "thou shalt not divorce." While I don't advocate divorce I abhor abuse, and no one should have to tolerate it, or risk endangerment (their children & themselves) from abuse. Verbal, emotional, psychological abuse is just as bad as physical if not worse. Here is the link to Danni Moss's site on WordPress.

Please read this amazing article of Victim Blaming.

I found this awesome article in my archives that really hits the nail on the head. I add that many people with these types of personalities also exhibit ABUSIVE TENDENCIES DUE TO THEIR SELFISH BEHAVIORS AND MANIPULATIVE WAYS.  I am not in any way infringing upon his intellectual property but sharing it to inform everyone. Thank you.

8 Toxic personalities to avoid Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Wed May 13, 2009
Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so.  Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails.  Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative.  Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional.  Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives.  And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic.  They are toxic to our happiness.  They are toxic to our mental outlook.  They are toxic to our self-esteem.  And they are toxic to our lives.  They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics.  Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late.  These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

• Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem.  They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation.  The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them.  They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met.  You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

• Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust.  You are left disappointed and unfulfilled.  Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life.  If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast.  If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

• Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything.  Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity.  Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive.  If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'.  If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

• Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers.  In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over.  If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring.  Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
  

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it.  As you achieve, they try to pull you down.  As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

• Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be.  Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself.  Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere.  You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh.  You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response.  You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

• Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria.  This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships.  When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there.  When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are.  When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways.  In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies.  Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you.  Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business.  Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

• Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy.  These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy.  They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you.  They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

• Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process.  They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.  1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.  2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.  3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity.  If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities?  What have you done?  Any personalities you would add?

Related Topics:

Warning Signs of ABUSE
Still, the majority of victims of physical, sexual and emotional abuse are female. Here are several signs that a guy/girl may be abusive.

Women/Men beware of a your guy/girl or spouse who:

• Is jealous and possessive; Demands attention and obedience.
• Has a quick, explosive temper; Wants to isolate you.
• Insists on being alone—even on a first date—and tries to shut out your friends and family.
• Makes disrespectful comments about women/men.
• Has an abusive parent or other family member.
• Is often angry, violent or aggressive in normal situations.
• Makes inappropriate sexual comments or advances or uses Sex as a weapon or makeup tool, making you feel defiled and dirty (raped).
• Blames his actions on anything but himself/herself.
• Is destructive or cruel.
• Humiliates, yells or criticizes you in private or public.
• Insists he is right all the time.
• Ignores your wishes.
• Wants to know more about you than you know about him.
• Makes you feel guilty, that you can't do anything right, or that you deserve punishment.

If you are in an emotionally, verbally or physically abusive relationship:

• Don't blame yourself. No one deserves abuse.
• Call the police or go to the hospital immediately after a rape.
• Check out:
  seeitandstopit.org from the Teen Action Campaign
  troubledwith.com from Focus on the Family
  loveisnotabuse.com from Liz Claiborne, Inc.
• Tell a parent, older sibling or pastor. Or call:
  The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network's (rainn.org) National Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE
  National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org): 1-800-799-SAFE
  The Dawson McAllister Hope Line (thehopeline.com): 1-800-394-HOPE