Why I Left an Abusive Marriage “My Story of Hope”
by Hadassah Shabnam Lal © 2013
Many of you who are my friends out here (and some of you I have the honor of knowing personally) have inboxed and messaged me to tell me your stories of triumph over abuse. I want to share some insight and information so that I can bring a bit of “hope” to some of you out there who are struggling in torrid, awful, marriages and staying out fear and ridicule. There are others of you out there (yes more women than men; but men too) let’s keep it balanced here, women abuse too and sometimes physically too (I know of several cases). I have often pondered why there is so much abuse. Is it because people have now become more aware of it? Or is it because so many out there, including those of us in ministry are choosing to exit abusive controlling spouses because we realize the erroneous teachings of the modern-day De-Judaized gentile (goyim) teachings rooted more in the Roman-Greco mindset rather than the merciful Hebraic mindset. Man-made doctrines also feed the fuel of keeping people in abusive marriages. Sadly it may be a combination of both. Life is too short to live in the hell of an Abusive marriage.
Early marriage.
I married my son’s dad when I was not even 21. I look back and realize I married him for all of the wrong reasons. I grew up in a very sheltered and amazingly Christian home, he was the product of the broken home and of the streets. He smoked and drank, I did neither and still don’t. Although I don’t believe that it is a sin to have an occasional glass of wine, or a few beers, I ain’t preachy even though I have a Masters in Ministry and am highly educated now. I had no idea of what an alcoholic was because I was never around it. It turned out, he was an alcoholic and it took me having my son, to bring things to light. My son was 3 when I left his abusive father, and 5 when I left for good. My son actually gave me the impetus I needed to leave. It began by just creeping in. Once I became a mom, things changed. I began to finally wakeup and make note of his erratic behavior. He would drink in the evenings, go out, come home at 11:30 or so and wake my son, or my son would not go to sleep until daddy got home. Then there were the “anger rages, the put-downs, the neglect (my son and I both), and the paranoid behavior. By the way, your spouse does not need to be an alcoholic to exhibit abusive behavior. They may be the “nice” sweet person in public and a hellish mean, rage filled, accusatory person with a tongue of fire to you. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, although most victims suffer both.
A child is born and rescued and the child rescued me.
All I knew was that I loved my son more than anyone and did not wish to raise him in hell on earth. I would go to work, confide in my two co-workers about my abusive situation; they helped me to see things in a new light by telling me to go to an AA meeting. I had never heard of such a thing. I went to one after his abuse became even more unbearable after my first attempt at leaving him. He became more abusive and threatened to take my son to Mexico and yes he had guns. Abusers will generally become threatening and controlling once they realize that they have been “found out.” Thus the second time I left him, I had the police in tow, a restraining order (make sure you get one against your abuser); and stayed in hiding for a few days. Get a good lawyer (you’ll need one) and pray for a fair judge (thank God I got one). It was a thought out process the second time, and I did not react but plan. All I knew was that my son did not deserve to be in an alcoholic home (although his father many times violated the judges orders and drank in his presence; I was merciful and did not turn his father in). My dreams and reality were in major conflict. My dream of a family and home were in crumbles because the reality was that I was married to an anger addict, a verbally emotionally alcoholic and a man who was a pathetic excuse of a husband and even more a pathetic excuse of a father. I did not want that type of future or life for my son. Thus, I chose to be a statistic of divorce; thank God and divorced him. I had allowed my values of love, peace and nurturing to overtake my dreams of a “family life that was never going to happen.” Most abusers are predators who prey on nice kind loving individuals.That change I made helped to make me a strong woman of God. I could not afford to be trapped for so long, because two years had passed since my first attempt and I was feeling like I was going to die, and my 5 year old child needed one sane, strong parent to raise him and the task fell on me. Gone was my fear of what other people would say and what our closed knit Pakistani Christian community would say, I had a child to raise and it was not about me. Besides these people were not feeding or clothing my son and I or my family for that matter, oh the shame and the guilt people will place upon you, just for their own agendas. I was trapped like a rat, and so was my son, I had to get out.
A plan
Thus, I sat down and wrote my losses and gains. I had been chronicling my abuse in a journal for a year at the advice of a counselor (that was before we had iphones where you can record the latest anger cussing rage, or a drunken stupor of a spouse) and post it on Youtube to share with the world, lol. I strongly encourage abuse victims to do this.
Immediate Casualties and pain.
My son would and did have a rough time because he was only five. Initially I knew that it would cause my son pain as he would not see daddy every day but most of the time, his father would eat dinner and then go to the bars anyway neglect & abuse often go hand in hand. I was home with my son every day alone after work as his dad went carousing. However, children are wise beyond their years and generally resilient, more so than adults. I did however catch a lot of hell from the in-laws. My brother told me it was about time I left the ahole. My nieces and nephews on his side lauded my decision. Lol. I was the one who had a rough time, but I had already planned it this time, so it was not bad. I came in with the cops (they took all of his guns due to threats), I took a few clothes, had safely fled with my son. He did not see it coming. Plan your exit.
Short-term casualties and pain
My son would have a rough time for a short while, my family would be ticked and ashamed, but in a few months of 8 to a year; it would pass. Reality would set in, and there were a few boxing matches ahead. Like when we had the final hearing about the dissolution (he kept getting continuances hoping I would come to my senses). I had come to my senses finally that’s why I left him. The courts would handle the issues of dividing our assets (we really didn’t have any) except for the most precious asset (our son). But I was at peace, no more fights, no more put-downs, no more raging anger episodes, no more cutting with his “evil eye” and no more threats. His day in court was truly one of triumph for me as he had some hot shot lawyer question me on the stand about seeking psychiatric counseling. To which I replied to the judge (“yes your honor, I did seek counseling in order to figure out how to deal with him in his rages when he drinks, he has a drinking problem” to which the judge shouted; ‘COUNSEL IN MY CHAMBERS NOW’); Yes I won that round and so did my son, as for the longest time, his alcoholic father was awarded only supervised visitation.
The long-term casualties and pain.
There have been some, he was very angry and mean and still is (they rarely change). He has not changed nor grown, but I am the one who has changed and grown. I returned to college shortly after our divorce and obtained my two college degrees which includes a Masters in Ministry Leadership & a BSM in Business. He married a woman who is a smoker, a drinker and cusses like a sailor (yes they are a match made in hell). My son has grown up to be an amazing godly young man because I had to be both a mom and dad to him often. I actually have restoration with my ex-in-laws as the nieces and nephews still love me and adore me, seriously. They call me tia Shab. You will be surprised at how much insight people looking from the outside in will have about your situation, especially when one spouse bullies the other, or abuses them. Some dynamics are not easily missed.
Hope for my readers
You can delude yourself into thinking that you love that person, even though you don’t. Your pride will keep you in a Shit Hole and sometimes you die from it. Often love is not enough (provided you know the real meaning of God’s love, not some psychotic bully or even one posing as a Christian who hits you and cusses you in private while parading around like a celebrity and sweetheart in public). Some of the most psychotic sociopaths and abusers I have encountered are in church leadership positions, and not always men. Pretenses only last for so long. You have to sometimes make a life choice that fits your values of sanity, self-respect and self-preservation and achievement of your God given anointing and goals. Happiness is important but your sanity even more so, and if you have children, then they should come first and foremost as part of your decision to leave a miserable and abusive life. Your children deserve a healthy, sane and strong parent. I know that if a person gets married for the wrong reasons (most of us who made that mistake as young ones when you don’t know your ass from your face); it will catch up with you. You can deliberately choose to make a choice to walk through the painful transition of leaving something that is not working or worse yet, slowly killing you and will invariably make you and your children sick. Abuse causes all sorts of illnesses and sometimes the abusers will kill themselves and their victims. You can only “pretend for so long to love somebody” but you might be doing a disservice to them and worse yet to yourself. The moment of truth hit me in the face with the help of my few friends and co-workers. The De-Judaized church folks failed me miserably as they kept insisting I stay with him for the sake of our son (see section below by Danni Moss on divorce). It was for the sake of my son and self-preservation that I left. It was not easy, but I have dignity, self respect and no shame that I did what was right. You see divorce was allowed in the OT for a lot of reasons and not just adultery. God does not want his children to live in abuse that is why our divorce laws are rooted in Judaic laws of giving provision to your ex-wife. My ex only paid a ridiculous 360 a month from the time our son was 5 until he turned 18, there was no alimony paid at all. While I grappled with the stigma attached to divorce, I have also come to terms with the importance and the triumph that my life is now because of my decision. We are more than conquerors and God does not want his children to be the subject of abuse, be it women, men and children. We must have hope and give ourselves and our children hope in a world that is full of chaos, and sorrow by standing strong and being strong and weighing our decisions when choosing to exit a marriage that is killing us or has the propensity to kill us and destroy us. Sometimes we must fail at something so we can succeed at life and often God will allow our failures to become our triumphs. That is where our Hope is.
Biblical implications
According to Danni Moss
http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/what-the-bible-says-about-divorce-ii/
What does the Bible say about divorce, in the Old Testament? The only OT passage to define and quantify the “rules” for divorce is Deut. 24:1-4.
When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.
And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;
Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance. Go What does the Bible say about divorce, in the Old Testament? The only OT passage to define and quantify the “rules” for divorce is Deut. 24:1-4.When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.
And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;
Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.
God allowed divorce and established parameters for it. Mark 10:5 says God allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts – we’ll get into that in more depth later. But first, I just want to dig into this passage to see what God said about divorce.
Basically, the reasons for a man getting divorced were open-ended. If his wife displeased him, he could divorce her. However, it doesn’t seem likely that men were not abandoning their wives before this time.
The biggest thing this accomplished, I think, is found in the second half of verse one. If his wife displeased him, the husband could not just abandon his wife. He had to give her a bill of divorcement and send her out of his house. He could not keep her and use her as a slave. He could not abandon her without protection or provision. He had to give her a bill of divorcement.
Prior to God establishing guidelines for divorce, women who were being mistreated had no recourse. In a culture where women were chattel, a woman who did not have the protection and provision of a man was free game. She would be taken and used by whomever wanted her. She had no way to feed, clothe or house herself other than to sell herself.
Once the husband had divorced his wife, she was free to remarry (verse 2). There was no negative implications toward her, no charges of adultery. She was free to remarry. This was for her protection. Divorce was allowed to protect the victims.
The only limitation given in God’s original rules for divorce was that the husband and wife married first could not remarry each other if either of them married someone else. According to this passage, this – remarriage of two people who had subsequently married others – was an abomination to God; not divorce and not remarriage.
by Hadassah Shabnam Lal © 2013
Many of you who are my friends out here (and some of you I have the honor of knowing personally) have inboxed and messaged me to tell me your stories of triumph over abuse. I want to share some insight and information so that I can bring a bit of “hope” to some of you out there who are struggling in torrid, awful, marriages and staying out fear and ridicule. There are others of you out there (yes more women than men; but men too) let’s keep it balanced here, women abuse too and sometimes physically too (I know of several cases). I have often pondered why there is so much abuse. Is it because people have now become more aware of it? Or is it because so many out there, including those of us in ministry are choosing to exit abusive controlling spouses because we realize the erroneous teachings of the modern-day De-Judaized gentile (goyim) teachings rooted more in the Roman-Greco mindset rather than the merciful Hebraic mindset. Man-made doctrines also feed the fuel of keeping people in abusive marriages. Sadly it may be a combination of both. Life is too short to live in the hell of an Abusive marriage.
Early marriage.
I married my son’s dad when I was not even 21. I look back and realize I married him for all of the wrong reasons. I grew up in a very sheltered and amazingly Christian home, he was the product of the broken home and of the streets. He smoked and drank, I did neither and still don’t. Although I don’t believe that it is a sin to have an occasional glass of wine, or a few beers, I ain’t preachy even though I have a Masters in Ministry and am highly educated now. I had no idea of what an alcoholic was because I was never around it. It turned out, he was an alcoholic and it took me having my son, to bring things to light. My son was 3 when I left his abusive father, and 5 when I left for good. My son actually gave me the impetus I needed to leave. It began by just creeping in. Once I became a mom, things changed. I began to finally wakeup and make note of his erratic behavior. He would drink in the evenings, go out, come home at 11:30 or so and wake my son, or my son would not go to sleep until daddy got home. Then there were the “anger rages, the put-downs, the neglect (my son and I both), and the paranoid behavior. By the way, your spouse does not need to be an alcoholic to exhibit abusive behavior. They may be the “nice” sweet person in public and a hellish mean, rage filled, accusatory person with a tongue of fire to you. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, although most victims suffer both.
A child is born and rescued and the child rescued me.
All I knew was that I loved my son more than anyone and did not wish to raise him in hell on earth. I would go to work, confide in my two co-workers about my abusive situation; they helped me to see things in a new light by telling me to go to an AA meeting. I had never heard of such a thing. I went to one after his abuse became even more unbearable after my first attempt at leaving him. He became more abusive and threatened to take my son to Mexico and yes he had guns. Abusers will generally become threatening and controlling once they realize that they have been “found out.” Thus the second time I left him, I had the police in tow, a restraining order (make sure you get one against your abuser); and stayed in hiding for a few days. Get a good lawyer (you’ll need one) and pray for a fair judge (thank God I got one). It was a thought out process the second time, and I did not react but plan. All I knew was that my son did not deserve to be in an alcoholic home (although his father many times violated the judges orders and drank in his presence; I was merciful and did not turn his father in). My dreams and reality were in major conflict. My dream of a family and home were in crumbles because the reality was that I was married to an anger addict, a verbally emotionally alcoholic and a man who was a pathetic excuse of a husband and even more a pathetic excuse of a father. I did not want that type of future or life for my son. Thus, I chose to be a statistic of divorce; thank God and divorced him. I had allowed my values of love, peace and nurturing to overtake my dreams of a “family life that was never going to happen.” Most abusers are predators who prey on nice kind loving individuals.That change I made helped to make me a strong woman of God. I could not afford to be trapped for so long, because two years had passed since my first attempt and I was feeling like I was going to die, and my 5 year old child needed one sane, strong parent to raise him and the task fell on me. Gone was my fear of what other people would say and what our closed knit Pakistani Christian community would say, I had a child to raise and it was not about me. Besides these people were not feeding or clothing my son and I or my family for that matter, oh the shame and the guilt people will place upon you, just for their own agendas. I was trapped like a rat, and so was my son, I had to get out.
A plan
Thus, I sat down and wrote my losses and gains. I had been chronicling my abuse in a journal for a year at the advice of a counselor (that was before we had iphones where you can record the latest anger cussing rage, or a drunken stupor of a spouse) and post it on Youtube to share with the world, lol. I strongly encourage abuse victims to do this.
Immediate Casualties and pain.
My son would and did have a rough time because he was only five. Initially I knew that it would cause my son pain as he would not see daddy every day but most of the time, his father would eat dinner and then go to the bars anyway neglect & abuse often go hand in hand. I was home with my son every day alone after work as his dad went carousing. However, children are wise beyond their years and generally resilient, more so than adults. I did however catch a lot of hell from the in-laws. My brother told me it was about time I left the ahole. My nieces and nephews on his side lauded my decision. Lol. I was the one who had a rough time, but I had already planned it this time, so it was not bad. I came in with the cops (they took all of his guns due to threats), I took a few clothes, had safely fled with my son. He did not see it coming. Plan your exit.
Short-term casualties and pain
My son would have a rough time for a short while, my family would be ticked and ashamed, but in a few months of 8 to a year; it would pass. Reality would set in, and there were a few boxing matches ahead. Like when we had the final hearing about the dissolution (he kept getting continuances hoping I would come to my senses). I had come to my senses finally that’s why I left him. The courts would handle the issues of dividing our assets (we really didn’t have any) except for the most precious asset (our son). But I was at peace, no more fights, no more put-downs, no more raging anger episodes, no more cutting with his “evil eye” and no more threats. His day in court was truly one of triumph for me as he had some hot shot lawyer question me on the stand about seeking psychiatric counseling. To which I replied to the judge (“yes your honor, I did seek counseling in order to figure out how to deal with him in his rages when he drinks, he has a drinking problem” to which the judge shouted; ‘COUNSEL IN MY CHAMBERS NOW’); Yes I won that round and so did my son, as for the longest time, his alcoholic father was awarded only supervised visitation.
The long-term casualties and pain.
There have been some, he was very angry and mean and still is (they rarely change). He has not changed nor grown, but I am the one who has changed and grown. I returned to college shortly after our divorce and obtained my two college degrees which includes a Masters in Ministry Leadership & a BSM in Business. He married a woman who is a smoker, a drinker and cusses like a sailor (yes they are a match made in hell). My son has grown up to be an amazing godly young man because I had to be both a mom and dad to him often. I actually have restoration with my ex-in-laws as the nieces and nephews still love me and adore me, seriously. They call me tia Shab. You will be surprised at how much insight people looking from the outside in will have about your situation, especially when one spouse bullies the other, or abuses them. Some dynamics are not easily missed.
Hope for my readers
You can delude yourself into thinking that you love that person, even though you don’t. Your pride will keep you in a Shit Hole and sometimes you die from it. Often love is not enough (provided you know the real meaning of God’s love, not some psychotic bully or even one posing as a Christian who hits you and cusses you in private while parading around like a celebrity and sweetheart in public). Some of the most psychotic sociopaths and abusers I have encountered are in church leadership positions, and not always men. Pretenses only last for so long. You have to sometimes make a life choice that fits your values of sanity, self-respect and self-preservation and achievement of your God given anointing and goals. Happiness is important but your sanity even more so, and if you have children, then they should come first and foremost as part of your decision to leave a miserable and abusive life. Your children deserve a healthy, sane and strong parent. I know that if a person gets married for the wrong reasons (most of us who made that mistake as young ones when you don’t know your ass from your face); it will catch up with you. You can deliberately choose to make a choice to walk through the painful transition of leaving something that is not working or worse yet, slowly killing you and will invariably make you and your children sick. Abuse causes all sorts of illnesses and sometimes the abusers will kill themselves and their victims. You can only “pretend for so long to love somebody” but you might be doing a disservice to them and worse yet to yourself. The moment of truth hit me in the face with the help of my few friends and co-workers. The De-Judaized church folks failed me miserably as they kept insisting I stay with him for the sake of our son (see section below by Danni Moss on divorce). It was for the sake of my son and self-preservation that I left. It was not easy, but I have dignity, self respect and no shame that I did what was right. You see divorce was allowed in the OT for a lot of reasons and not just adultery. God does not want his children to live in abuse that is why our divorce laws are rooted in Judaic laws of giving provision to your ex-wife. My ex only paid a ridiculous 360 a month from the time our son was 5 until he turned 18, there was no alimony paid at all. While I grappled with the stigma attached to divorce, I have also come to terms with the importance and the triumph that my life is now because of my decision. We are more than conquerors and God does not want his children to be the subject of abuse, be it women, men and children. We must have hope and give ourselves and our children hope in a world that is full of chaos, and sorrow by standing strong and being strong and weighing our decisions when choosing to exit a marriage that is killing us or has the propensity to kill us and destroy us. Sometimes we must fail at something so we can succeed at life and often God will allow our failures to become our triumphs. That is where our Hope is.
Biblical implications
According to Danni Moss
http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/what-the-bible-says-about-divorce-ii/
What does the Bible say about divorce, in the Old Testament? The only OT passage to define and quantify the “rules” for divorce is Deut. 24:1-4.
When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.
And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;
Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance. Go What does the Bible say about divorce, in the Old Testament? The only OT passage to define and quantify the “rules” for divorce is Deut. 24:1-4.When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.
And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;
Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.
God allowed divorce and established parameters for it. Mark 10:5 says God allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts – we’ll get into that in more depth later. But first, I just want to dig into this passage to see what God said about divorce.
Basically, the reasons for a man getting divorced were open-ended. If his wife displeased him, he could divorce her. However, it doesn’t seem likely that men were not abandoning their wives before this time.
The biggest thing this accomplished, I think, is found in the second half of verse one. If his wife displeased him, the husband could not just abandon his wife. He had to give her a bill of divorcement and send her out of his house. He could not keep her and use her as a slave. He could not abandon her without protection or provision. He had to give her a bill of divorcement.
Prior to God establishing guidelines for divorce, women who were being mistreated had no recourse. In a culture where women were chattel, a woman who did not have the protection and provision of a man was free game. She would be taken and used by whomever wanted her. She had no way to feed, clothe or house herself other than to sell herself.
Once the husband had divorced his wife, she was free to remarry (verse 2). There was no negative implications toward her, no charges of adultery. She was free to remarry. This was for her protection. Divorce was allowed to protect the victims.
The only limitation given in God’s original rules for divorce was that the husband and wife married first could not remarry each other if either of them married someone else. According to this passage, this – remarriage of two people who had subsequently married others – was an abomination to God; not divorce and not remarriage.
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