Questions to Ask before Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Questions to Ask before Leaving an Abusive Relationship

By.  Hadassah Shabnam Lal

Whether your life or job is filled with daily onslaught of cursing, neglect, mental, emotional or physical abuse you need to ask yourself some serious questions as to whether you deserve this hell of a life, or not. Read the following questions, pray and seek not just wise counsel, and closed minded (but educated counsel). Then decide whether it’s worth it.

• How much satisfaction am I finding in this situation or relationship?
• Can I honestly see myself living like this in this situation the rest of my life?
• Is there anything I can possible do to make my present situation more fulfilling?
• If I stay, what will I really be missing? Moreover, where could I possibly find it?  (remember that bad habits are harder to break than good ones, that’s why they have al-anon, and all sorts of recovery groups from bad addictive habits); No one has yet created a recovery group from too much love and respect; ha, ha.

• Are there any “benefits” of my remaining in this terrible destructive situation? 
• Do I seem to have a need to be unhappy or to be abused? (Has it become my normal?)
• Do I seem to like getting sympathy and am constantly drawn to abusive personalities in my friendships, work situations, and romantic relationships?
• Will this situation be like this forever? On the other hand, is there a realistic chance it will change? (If you have been in this for more than 5-20, 0r 30 years) then there is more than 90% of a chance THAT IT WILL NOT CHANGE.
• If your abusive spouse is 40-50 plus, they have spent decades becoming who they are, most likely they are not going to change.
• What are the advantages of staying? (Am I too lazy to move, deal with loneliness, or miss the furniture and my surroundings?)
• What are the advantages of leaving? (Will I find a new love, pursue new interests or resurrect old ones? Be happier?
• What are the advantages of staying or leaving? If its economics (wrong reason) it is true what they say, money cannot buy you happiness or love.
• How will others be affected by my decision to leave or stay? (If you have children, it is going to be tough "they say familiarity breeds contempt, or children or both); (if you do not have children thank God, it’s a no-brainer and get out quickly); (if you have pets, remember their life span is short (unless it is a tropical bird, in that case, it might outlive you).
• Is a clean break necessary, or would a major change be too costly?  Oftentimes, in situations of abuse, a clean break may be your one chance to get away from your abuser alive, or sane. Moreover, the cost could be preservation of your life and sanity and if children are involved, their safety and mental health as well.
• Do I lose anything by leaving? Make a list, if the list goes something like (stress, ill health, high blood pressure, insomnia, tears), then you are better off leaving. Things can be replaced, houses can be replaced, and your sanity, health and peace of mind on the other hand, are PRICELESS.
• Would my loss or losses be a permanent loss, or one I could eventually replace or learn to live without?  It’s easier to replace the bad with the good, it’s easier to live without stress, and abuse (unless it has become your normal, in which case you will need to get some type of support system in place, and seek some counseling).
• In what settings and with which persons (friends, family, new hobbies and interests), can I best meet my needs? Still feel important and valued?
• What dreams and expectations are within my reach now that I have exited my abuse hell, and how can I fulfill those (some of which may be God-given dreams that were hindered)?
• Just remember a break up is called precisely that, because your relationship is “broken” so you are going to go through a “death, grief, but then also a chance of a new life (resurrection) from the lessons learned”

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